Respectful Communication

Today’s Fellowship meeting covered a concept that says: The rights of appeal and petition protect minorities and insure that they be heard. The reading that was shared went like this:

“It has taken me a long time to recognize the importance of speaking me piece and then letting others take what they like and leave the rest. Speaking up is not always easy, but it is necessary for my self esteem. Conversely, my opinion does not necessarily need to be heard. It is mine to share or withhold. Sometimes keeping my opinion to myself is just as important as speaking up.”

(This reading comes from http://www.al-anon.org/members)

What struck me the most is how eager I am to convince people to accept me opinion or point of view. Normally that leaves me feeling unheard and misunderstood. And guess what? I also don’t hear the other or understand them.

I am going to practice better communication by clearly stating my ideas and then listening hard for the other’s point of view. I think that doing this will increase my own self esteem, as I start collecting successes in hearing and being heard.

Keeping my opinion to myself is going to have to wait for another time 🙂

Common Feelings & Behaviours

When I first went to a fellowship meeting for Adult Children, I was overwhelmed and relieved at how much I related to the list that follows. It described me down to my deepest insides. How did they know? It took a little while but I soon realised that they weren’t judging me. They were just noticing me and that feels good.

 

a)    Having had no frame of reference for healthy behaviour, we guess at what normal is.

b)    We often feel that we are different from other people.

c)    We tend to lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

d)    We have feelings of low self-esteem as a result of being criticised.

e)    We judge others and ourselves harshly.

f)     We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionistic, controlling, contemptuous and gossipy.

g)    Angry people and personal criticism intimidate us, causing us to feel inadequate and insecure.

h)    We tend to isolate ourselves, out of fear, and to feel uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.

i)      We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust and commitment in our relationships.

j)      We constantly seek acknowledgement and affirmation.

k)     We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us.

l)      Not wanting to hurt others, we remain loyal in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved.

m)   We are dependant personalities who are so terrified of abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us from ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones.

n)    We become alcoholics or addicts ourselves, marry them, or both, or find other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfil our sick need for abandonment.

o)    We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities.

p)    We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to ‘love’ people we can pity and rescue.

q)    We are either super responsible or super irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others’ problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.

r)     We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interest. We give in to others’ needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.

s)    Lacking clearly defined limits and boundaries; we become enmeshed in our partners’ needs and emotions.

t)      We deny, minimise or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.

u)    Denial, repression, isolation, control, shame and inappropriate guilt are legacies from our family of origin. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.

v)    We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following projects through from beginning to end.

w)  We have a strong need to be in control, over-reacting to change over which we have no control.

x)    We tend to lock ourselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviours or possible consequences. This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over our circumstances. As a result, we often have to spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the resulting mess.

y)    We are addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions. As a result, we are inclined to over-dramatise the events in our lives. If our lives become humdrum for any length of time, we tend to find ways to generate upset and drama.

z)    We tend to take life and ourselves very seriously, and have difficulty having fun.