I have no idea what to write about today. I don’t know what to eat, what to wear or what to do. I have lots of things that I could do, but I’m not sure which to do next. I don’t know what to think, and I don’t know how to feel or what I do feel. I don’t know what to say. Mostly, I just don’t know.
My sister used to say that if you don’t know what to do, then do nothing. Doing nothing hasn’t really got me far in the past. I think that doing nothing is exactly why I’ve got the life I’ve got. The one that isn’t really bright and shiny, but has gone grey. The life that is more remarkable for what it isn’t that for what it is. Here’s something that I do know; I want a new life.
I want a life that matches the inner work that I’ve been doing . I want it to be different. Right Now!!
I’ve just spotted the problem. I’m resisting reality. What I don’t know is how to change reality with the wave of a wand. My program says to do the next best thing, Step 11 says: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. One of our slogans is Progress not Perfection.
So now I know what to do. I need to practice Acceptance, I need to be Grateful, I can achieve this with Willingness. Prayer & Meditation will make clear the way and with progress I can change my life from how it is, to how I would like it to be.
A friend of mine has been suffering illness for 2 years. In the last months, that suffering has included much pain. This morning at 12:02, she passed on, out of suffering, on to something else. I am not saying what exactly, because here we allow everyone to have there own understanding of our Higher Power and such things.
What I can say exactly is that I feel a great sense of loss and regret. I regret not spending more time with my friend. We connected well, when we were together, and so my sense of loss is a disconnection. While looking for words that perfectly describes my feeling, I came across this poem…
Time is too slow for those who wait
Too swift for those who fear
Too long for those who grieve
Too short for those who rejoice
But, for those who love –
Time is eternity. Henry van Dyke
This perfectly describes my regret, but my disconnection has no words. In times like these, when there are no words, tears are a balm and help to heal the wounds.
So, I’ll take my learnings from the last months and practice Gratitude for the times we had together. I’ll apply Step 3 and hand my friend over to the care of God. I’ll Breathe & Go Slowly (and soon I’ll smile). I’ll seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. I’ll be willing to grieve and accepting of my feelings.
Rest In Peace, my dear Friend. I will miss you. xxx