I’ve been having a tough time lately. I keep living the trauma of doing work with my best intentions and efforts, only to have my clients refuse or neglect to pay my bill. Naturally, it puts me into a very tight spot financially, to meet my obligations. I was talking to a friend, a couple of days ago, and he expressed his sadness and rejection by the world, of the talents that he has to offer. He said that his gifts were God given but the world clearly didn’t want them, because his business was suffering.
As I was thinking about what he’d expressed, I suddenly realised that he was taking personally, a circumstance that has taken the whole world by storm. Millions of people, everywhere, are really struggling to make ends meet. They are defaulting on credit payments, trading down on homes, groceries, cars and staff. Where they would have paid someone to provide a service, they are now doing it for themselves. I could see that my friend’s talents are God given and are very worthy of acknowledgement and payment. That they are not being taken up is not because he is unworthy, but because the world is in a very tight financial spot. People are making do without his services or trying to do it themselves.
So, if this was true for him (and I am sure that it is), why was it not true for me? Why, when things don’t right for me, do I immediately leap to thoughts of being useless, bad, unworthy, punished, intrinsically flawed? Why do I take so personally, that some people can’t make ends meet, that they don’t behave honourably, that they don’t pay their bills?
I still believe that if I was worthy, everyone would treat me well and the world would suddenly be a fair place. That belief is pure insanity. It looks like I need to return to Step 1 and make a list of all the things that I take personally, that I actually have no control over. Also, a message to my friend: You are wonderful & worthy, and you can take that personally.
My Recovery in 12 Steps 